T-BONE

Curiosity Killed The Cat

When The Children Cry - White Lion

God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me." Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?" God said, "Go down into that valley." Adam said, "What's a valley?" God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the river." Adam said, "What's a river?" God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill..." Adam said, "What is a hill?" So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave" Adam said, "What's a cave?" After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a Woman." Adam said, "What's a woman?" So God explained that to him, too. Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce." Adam said, "How do I do that?" God first said (under his breath), "Geez..." And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well. So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman. Then, in about five minutes, he was back. God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?" And Adam said, "What's a headache?".

An old farmer in Ohio had owned a large farm for several years. Out back was a pond which he'd spent countless hours beautifying. He'd added picnic tables, tree's, plants, BBQ's and even a basketball court, etc. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond - He hadn't been there for a while and thought he better give it a look over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave you pervert!" The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked." "I'm here to feed the alligators..."

I won't be around for a while. I'll miss you all. I'm having a bunch of house repairs done and It's taking up alot of my undivided attention. You can come over and help watch if you like

Never Be Afraid To Say What You Really Feel

Hmmm...someone has a very interesting idea of what Art consists of

A Marla-gasm? Thweeeeeeet I'll have to remember that when I see a porno OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!!!!!!! <---- Ta Daaaa...A Marla-gasm

Is that what they call a Marla-ism?

There... You see?.... Now that's just over the top. And if you would have found that before me, we all know who would have posted it

An old farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding. The trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed and in general, began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing it, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Havin' some problems with circle flies there, are ya?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well, yeah, if that's what they are...I never heard of circle flies." So the old farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies 'cause they're almost always found circlin' around the back end of a horse." The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?" The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass." The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies, though".

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business!" The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb. as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me" He's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. For the next four days, the same routine happens and much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself and found he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program. "Are you sure?", asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years." The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you're mine!"

Dear Tide, I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it since the beginning of my married life, when my Mom told me it was the best. Now that I am older and going through menopause, I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My unfeeling and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. Well one thing led to another and I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out. After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well, that when the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative. Later, my attorney called and said that I would no longer be considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief. I thank you, once again, for having such a great product. Well, gotta go now, I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people... Signed, A relieved menopausal wife

A teenage girl arriving home from school asks her mother, “Is it true what the teacher told us today?" “What’s that?” the mother replied. “That babies come from the same place that boys put their penises,” the daughter said. “Yes it is dear,” mother said, glad that the subject had finally come up at school. “But when I have a baby,” the girl responded, “Won’t it knock my teeth out?”

McBig MoFo

Marla's New Clock

Laughing Cat

YEAR 2000 If there's one thing that 1960's and 1970's sci-fi has taught us, it's that 2000 is the future. Well, here we are, but where are all the wonderful sci-fi has promised us? Aside from some cool inventions (the two-chambered bong, for instance) we were... well... duped. Here we examine what we were lead to believe the future would be like as opposed to how it REALLY is. SCI-FI PROMISED... BUT WE GOT... A space-station run by a computer named HAL that goes crazy and kills everyone. A space station named MIR run by Russians that falls apart and kills everyone. Rocket cars that are really cool. Some guy who welded a JATO rocket to his piece of shit car and packed himself into a cliff 300' feet off the ground. (Darwin Award winner) Laser guns that destroy everything in sight. Laser pointers that every asshole in America brings to the movies to ruin it for everyone else. A manned voyage to Mars in 1999 would reveal a colony of bald people with weird costumes living in crystal houses. A beach ball looking probe lands on Mars to reveal... dirt. We will be able to rebuild people, better faster, stronger than before (for a mere 6 million dollars). Scientists spend billions growing a rat with a human ear on its back. A utopian state where everyone is killed at age 30 in a festive celebration. Florida, a state that everyone moves to at age 90. Computers that still take up full rooms, but have a myriad of cool flashing lights and whizzing gears, used to predict the future. "Gameboy." The invention of robots will eliminate the need for human labor. The invention of the internet, cell phones, faxes and computers eliminate the possibility of free time. Infiltration by a number of body-snatching aliens who will pose as normal citizens until they're caught and killed. Infiltration by a number of illegal aliens who pose as normal citizens until they're caught and deported. Due to the lack of food and the number of people, the people are fed "Soylent Green," something that turns out to be people. McDonald's. (Which is made of...?) People will invent cyborgs that look and act like real people (or at least Yule Brenner). People invent little electronic pets that you keep in your pockets and have to feed. Whee. If you ask us, we were lied to. We were led to believe that the future would be a wonderous place full of cool technology and endless bounty. We really don't give a shit either way, but where are our cyborg-women?

Bizarre Sex Laws ----------------------------------------- In Ventura County, California, cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit. If a police officer in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho, suspects a couple is having sex inside a vehicle they must honk their horn three times, and wait two minutes before being allowed to approach the scene. A law in Oblong, Illinois makes it a crime to make love while fishing or hunting on your wedding day. In Ames Iowa a husband may not take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with his wife. A law in Alexandria, Minnesota makes it illegal for a husband to make love to his wife if his breath smells like garlic, onions, or sardines. A Helena, Montana law states that a woman cannot dance on a saloon table unless her clothing weights more than three pounds, two ounces. Hotel owners in Hastings, Nebraska are required by law to provide a clean, white cotton nightshirt to each guest. According to the law, no couple may have sex unless they are wearing the nightshirts. Any couple making out inside a vehicle, and accidentally sounding the horn during their lustful act, may be taken to jail according to a Liberty Corner, New Jersey law. During lunch breaks in Carlsbad, New Mexico, no couple should engage in a sexual act while parked in their vehicle, unless their car has curtains. In Nevada sex without a condom is considered illegal.In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania it is illegal to have sex with a truck driver inside a toll booth. Hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, are required by law to furnish their rooms with twin beds only. There should be a minimum of two feet between the beds, and it is illegal for a couple to make love on the floor between the beds. In Kingsville, Texas, there is a law against two pigs having sex on the city's airport property. A Tremonton, Utah law states that no woman is allowed to have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance. In addition to normal charges, the woman's name will be published in the local newspaper. The man does not receive any punishment. In the state of Washington there is a law against having sex with a virgin under any circumstances. (including the wedding night) In Connorsville, Wisconsin no man shall shoot of a gun while his female partner is having a sexual orgasm. The only acceptable sexual position in Washington D.C. is the missionary-style position. Any other sexual position is considered illegal. (So this is how they plan on getting Clinton) HE HE! Funny how some laws can just spoil all the fun!

Exclusive Tiger Attack footage

Down On You - Lillian Axe

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in. "I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession." The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop", says the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the sheik. He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen", said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik. Finally, he asked the last man,"And you, what do you do for a living?" And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was very strong evidence indicating guilt, but no corpse had been found. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, decided to try a trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom!" He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked, eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally, the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty." With that, the jury retired to deliberate. But after only a few minutes, they came back and pronounced a verdict of guilty. "But how?" the lawyer asked. "You must have had some doubt. I saw all of you stare at the door." "Oh, yes," the jury foreman replied. "We all looked - but your client didn't!"