T-BONE

A guy is hanging out in his favorite bar when he spots a fabulous babe walking in on the arm of some ugly schlep. He asks the bartender about her and is surprised to discover that she's a prostitute. He watches her the rest of the night, amazed that someone so attractive could be available to him. The next night he goes back to the bar, and sure enough she shows up again, only this time alone. The guy gets up his nerve and approaches her. "Is it true you're a prostitute?" "Why, sure, big boy. What can I do for you?" "Well, I dunno. What do you charge?" "I get $100 just for a hand job. We can negotiate from there.." "$100!?! For a handjob? Are you nuts?" "You see that Ferrari out there?" The guy looks out the front door, and sure enough there's a shiny new Ferrari parked outside. "I paid cash for that Ferrari with the money I made on hand jobs. Trust me, it's worth it." The guy mulls it over for a while, and decides what the hell. He leaves with her, and gets the most unbelievable experience he's ever had. This hand job was better than any complete sexual experience in his miserable life. The next night he's back at the bar, waiting eagerly for her to show up. When she does, he immediately approaches her. "Last night was incredible!" "Of course it was. Just wait 'til you try one of my blow jobs.." "How much is that?" "$500" "$500!?! C'mon, that's ridiculous!" "You see that apartment building across the street?" The guy looks out front at a 12-story apartment building. "I paid cash for that building with the money I made on blow jobs. Trust me, it's worth it. Based on the night before, the guy decides to go for it. He leaves with her, and once again is not disappointed. He nearly faints. twice. The next night he can hardly contain himself until she shows up. "I'm hooked, you're the best! Tell me, what'll it cost me for some pussy?" She motions for him to follow her outside. She points down the street. There between the buildings he can see Manhattan. "You see that island?" "Aw, c'mon! You can't mean that!" She nods her head. "You bet. If I had a pussy, I'd own Manhattan!"

You know you're in California when: 1. Your coworker has 8 body piercing and none are visible. 2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house. 3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English. 4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze. 5. You can't remember...is pot illegal? 6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor. 7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian. 8. You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula. 9. You can't remember...is pot illegal? 10. Traveling on the freeway in excess of 35 miles per hour can totally move you to tears. 11. A low speed police pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast. 12. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the US 13. A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don't even notice. 14. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30am at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney. 15. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment. 16. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag. 17. You can't remember...is pot illegal? 18. Its barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH 2004." 19. You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Banks himself is teaching the 4:00pm Tae Bo class. 20. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers. 21. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents. 22. Hey!!!! Is Pot Illegal???? 23. Both you AND your dog have therapists. 24. Distance is measured in minutes not miles. 25. The BMW is the state automobile. 26. The people decide everything by propositions on The ballot about which they know nothing. 27. The Terminator is your new Governor.

A Priest , a Preacher, and a Rabbi were long time friends since their churches were all with in a few blocks of each other. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do a seven-day experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear and preach to it. Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience. Father O'Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Welllll," he says, in a fine Irish brogue, "Ey wint oot into th' wooods to fynd me a bearr. Oond when Ey fund him, Ey began to read to him from the Baltimorre Catechism. Well, thet bearr wanted naught to do wi' me und begun to slap me aboot. So I quick grrabbed me holy water and, THE SAINTS BE PRAISED, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is cooming oot next wik to give him fierst communion und confierrmation." Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he proclaimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle... WE DUNK! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God's space the HOOOOULY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. I SAY NO! He wanted NOTHING to do with me. So I took HOOOULD of him and we began to wrassle. We wrassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we come to a crick. So I quick DUNK him and BAPTIZE his hairy soul. An' jus like you sez, he wuz gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in fellowship, feasting on God's HOOOOULY word." They both look down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. The Rabbi looks up and says, "The preaching was easy, but the bear got a bit touchy about the circumcision."

Think Before You Speak A woman got a phone call from a telemarketer asking her if she'd participate in a survey. She agreed, so the telemarketer preceded with the questions. "What's your opinion on condoms," asked the gentleman on the phone. She answered, "It all depends on what's in it for me."

A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" Little Johnny said, bursting into tears. Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong. "Oh Pop," Johnny sobbed, "For me there was no Santa Claus at age six, no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you're telling me now that grownups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to believe in!"

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities. The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed. "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike, and the Coopers are having sex." Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked. "Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

The Other Side - Pink Cream 69

Get It On - Kingdom Come

With Or Without You - U2

Seal It With A Kiss - Casanova

Kissin Kitty - Bulletboys

Face Down In The Gutter - XYZ

Downtown - Gotthard

Boys Are Back In Town - Thin Lizzy

Smoke The Sky - Motley Crue

Smoke Is Goin' Down - Scorpions

Down On You - Lillian Axe

Lay Down The Law - Gotthard

Life In The Fast Lane - Eagles

Set Me Free - Sweet/Vince Neil/Heathen

Forever Free - Wasp

If I Close My Eyes Forever - Lita Ford & Ozzy

Angel In My Heart - Britny Fox

Baby Jane - Kenny McGee I recommend this CD to anyone who likes Julliet. This CD was even better! Kenny McGee - Kenny McGee

Baby Blues - Funny Money