T-BONE

1. If all those smart arse psychics know the friggin winning lottery numbers, then why are they still working? 2. Why do they sterilize needles for the lethal injections? 3. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what idiot came up with "Quit will your ahead"? 4. Whose idea was it to have an "S" in "LISP"? 5. If its zero degrees outside today and its supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how bloody cold is it going to be? 6. Why is it that when a door is open its ajar, but when a jar is open its not a door? 7. Is it possible to have a civial war? 8. If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash why isnt the whole airplane made out of the stuff? 9. Why is it when you open a can of evaporated milk its still there? 10. Why do shops which are open 24/7 have locks on the doors? 11. Why is it called tourist season if we cant shoot at them? 12. If most car accidents occur within 10 km of home, why doesnt everyone just move 20 km away? 13. Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. Why cant you just write "a good doctor" 14. Before they invented drawing boards what did they go back to? 15. If all the world is a stage where do the audience sit? 16. If you ate pasta and antipasto would you still be hungry? 17. If you try to fail and succeed what have you done? 18. Is a castrated pig disgruntled? 19. Why is the alphabet in that order? is it because of that song? 20. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream? 21. Light travels faster than sound so is that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak? 22. Does the reversie side alos have a reverse side? 23. Why is there only one monoplies commission? 24. Why are there five syllables in the word "monosyllabic"? 25. How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didnt grow in it? 26. Why is abbreviated such a long word? 27. Is the leaning tower of Pisa a listed building? 28. What if there were no hypothetical questions? 29. Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

Haven't we done this many times already? First Choice: Heavy Rockers Sebastian Bach: Vocals Randy Rhoads: Guitar Zakk Wylde: Guitar Cliff Burton: Bass Eric Carr: Drums 3 Dead Guys! I'm doing swell Second Choice: Smooth Rockers (AOR) Michael Bormann: Vocals Pete Lesperance: Guitar Neil Schon: Guitar Jeff Pilson: Bass Johnathon Cain: Keyboards Rod Morgenstein: Drums Third Choice: Just Plain Nutz Rockers!! Axl Rose: Vocals Slash: Guitars CC DeVille: Guitars Les Claypool: Bass Tommy Lee: Drums

SOMETHING TO OFFEND DAMN-NEAR EVERYBODY 1. What's the Cuban national anthem? ................"Row, Row, Row Your Boat" 2. Where does an Irish family go on vacation? ................A different bar. 3. Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby? ................They named him "Sum Ting Wong." 4. What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? ..A speech impediment. 5. What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast? ................They're hiring. 6. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek? ...........Because they're not going to work in the future either. 7. What do you call an Arkansas farmer with a sheep under each arm? .............. A pimp. 8. Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays? ................Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it. 9. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? ................A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe. 10. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? ................Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*! 11. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? ................A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..." 12. My, my, how times have changed. Years ago...When 100 white men chased 1 black man, we called it the Ku Klux Klan. ..................Today they call it the PGA TOUR. 13. Why is there no Disneyland in China? ................No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.

A man was talking to an old woman on the day of her husband's funeral. "How did your husband pass on?" the man asked. The widow replied "We were having sex, and he had a heart attack and died." The man said "Thats incredible! A couple your age having sex!" The woman replied "Yes, we had it timed to the church bell. IT was in on the ding, and out on the dong." The man asked "What went wrong?" The widow said "The damn ice cream man went by!"

A housewife is at home when she suddenly hears a knock on the door. When she opens the door a man asks her if she has a vagina. The woman slams the door in disbelief at what a stranger has just asked her. The same thing happens for three consecutive days and the woman decides to tell her husband. The husband says to the wife, "Tomorrow I am not going to work, and when the man asks if you have a vagina, say 'yes' and I will be hiding behind the door." The next day the same man comes again, and when the woman opens the door he asks if she has a vagina. The woman says, "Yes". The man then said, "Good, then please tell your husband to stop fucking my wife."

A girl is standing at The Gates Of Heaven when she hears horrible screams of pain and torture coming from inside. She says to St. Peter, "What's going on?" He says, "That's the sound of new angels getting big holes drilled into their backs for their wings, and small holes drilled into their heads for their halos." She says, "Heaven sounds terrible. I think maybe I'd rather go to Hell." St. Peter says,"In Hell, you'll be constantly raped and sodomized." She says, "That's okay. I've already got holes for that.

The man discovered WEAPONS and invented HUNTING, the woman discovered HUNTING and invented FURS. The man discovered COLOURS and invented PAINT, the woman discovered PAINT and invented MAKEUP. The man discovered the WORD and invented CONVERSATION, the woman discovered CONVERSATION and invented GOSSIP. The man discovered GAMBLING and invented CARDS, the woman discovered CARDS and invented WITCHERY. The man discovered AGRICULTURE and invented FOOD, the woman discovered FOOD and invented DIET. The man discovered FRIENDSHIP and invented LOVE, the woman discovered LOVE and invented MARRIAGE. The man discovered WOMEN and invented SEX, the woman discovered SEX and invented HEADACHES. The man discovered TRADING and invented MONEY, the woman discovered MONEY and that's when it all got fucked up.

Moob Or Boob Test: Test Your Knowlege

YOU KNOW YOU WERE A TEENAGER IN THE 90'S WHEN... - You knew who Leonardo, Michaelangelo, Raphael and Donatello were. - You remember the Milli Vanilli scandal. - You religiously watched 90210, Melrose Place and Twin Peaks. - You tight-rolled your jeans. - You wore big hoop earrings. - You wore virgin bangles (Madonna bangles). - You thought bellbottoms were horrible and couldn't understand why anyone would've ever worn them. - Clogs and scrunchies were in. - You knew how to do the MC Hammer dance and the running man. - You owned a pair of Apple Pies, Air Jordan’s, Nike Air’s, or Reeboks Pumps. - You thought "Ice Ice Baby" was the coolest song ever. - Your fringe was at least 4 inches high, and you thought it looked good. - You tried to sing along to "Informer", no matter how hard it was. - A hairdryer and/or Gel was required to set your hair. - You rolled up the sleeves of your t-shirts, and tucked in the front, letting the back hang out. - You wore 2 pairs of neon coloured socks - You wore overalls with only one side connected. - You had Exclamation or Taboo perfume. - You remember cartoons like Mask, Thundercats, Maya the bee, She-ra and He-man. - You had a "slap band" or a pop swatch. - You wore your sweat pants pulled up to your knees. - You had a black Debbie Gibson hat. - You wanted to be just like Paula Abdul. - You owned the Spin Doctors tape. - You said, "PSYCH" or "WAY!" - You saw "Wayne's World" at least 2 times at the cinema. - You loved the New Kids on the Block and Bros. - 21 Jump street and Booker. - You wore jeans pulled up to your navel. - All of your clothes were "baggy". - You wore Kepper or stussy. - You owned a pair of bike shorts, possibly ones with a neon strip down the side. - You had a boom box, or your stereo was a weird colour like pink or aqua blue. - You bought tapes or vinyl. - You never missed the fresh prince or Degrassi junior high. - You remember when TLC weren't divas, and they dressed like they were in the circus. - You thought "I'm Too Sexy" was such a cool song. - You "busted a move" when C&C Music Factory was playing. - You remember when Mark Wahlberg was part of Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch. - You owned a silk shirt, which you tucked into your jeans. - You wore your socks over your tracksuit pants. - You had jeans in various colours, like green, brown, burgundy and black. - You had a Greeks/Italians/Serbs/Lebs do it better T-shirt. - You were addicted to Nintendo. - You gave the "peace" sign all the time. - If you were a guy, you had an "undercut" and you parted it down the middle. - You had a pair of Dr Martens - You owned at least one Hyper-colour shirt.

More Darwin Awards: - Canadian guy wants to get drunk cheaply. Has brainwave. Gasoline. Siphons gasoline from car and puts it into glass of milk. Feels sick. Upchuck coming on. Gets second brainwave. Fireplace. He'll upchuck into fireplace. Upchucks into fireplace. Not bad idea. Except: Fire already roaring in fireplace. Explosion burns house down. Canadian guy and sister dead. - Romanian guy, 46, waiting at small, rural station for train. Getting frustrated waiting. Walks out to track. Lies down. Puts ear on rail. Listens for train. Train coming. Keeps listening. Train keeps coming. Express train. Runs him over. Romanian guy dead. - Colorado guy named Gerald. Cops pull Gerald over for erratic driving. Gerald jumps out of car. Gerald takes off on foot. Gerald has gun. Gerald doesn't look back. Gerald fires gun over his shoulder at pursuing cops. Gerald fires four shots. Gerald would have fired all six shots, except Gerald's driving not only thing erratic. Gerald fires fourth shot into own head. Gerald dead. - Croatian guy wants to make firecrackers for New Year's celebration. Doesn't have any firecrackers. Does have hand grenade. And chainsaw. Starts sawing hand grenade in half. Looking for explosive stuff inside. Explosive stuff blows him up. Croatian guy dead. - Hawaiian guy named Joshua, 30, climbs Koa tree in middle of night. Joshua has saw. Joshua knows trees. Joshua wants to steal branch of the expensive native hardwood. Joshua sits on limb. Joshua smart. Joshua does not saw limb he's sitting on. No. Joshua saws the huge limb right above his head. Huge limb crashes down on Joshua's head. Joshua dead. - Russian guy, 26, goes into bar in Tomilino near Moscow. Russian guy has gun. Starts menacing bouncer with gun. Bouncer kicks gun out of his hand. Gun lands on pool table where other guys playing. Bouncer asks player to fetch him gun. Player fetches gun by sticking end of pool cue in gun's trigger loop. BLAM! Player dead. - Bangladesh robbers get creative. Decide to park car across lonely highway at midnight. Robbers sit and wait. Robbers see headlights in distance. Robbers get excited. Headlights on big truck full of cows. Big truck full of cows going fast. Big truck full of cows going real fast. Big truck full of cows plows into car of creative robbers. Five of six robbers dead. And one cow. - Canadian guy from Thunder Bay takes wife and kids for boat ride on Obonga Lake. Day very hot. Breeze on lake not cooling off Canadian guy. Leaps off boat. into lake. Not bad idea. Even better idea if he knew how to swim. Even better, better idea if he had a lifejacket on. Even better, better, better idea if he'd taught his wife how to start engine of boat wind-drifting away. Canadian guy dead. - Arizona guy named Rodney, 49, doesn't like condition of cell in Mohave County Jail. Rodney comes up with tactic to get attention. Rodney had bowel movement on floor of cell. Rodney steps in it, slips, falls, hits head on floor. Rodney gets attention. Rodney dead. - Ohio guy lying naked and face down on living room couch. Guy not breathing. Daughter calls cops. Cops roll guy over to search for pulse and start CPR. Cops notice strange burn marks on guy's penis. Cops inspect couch. Cops find hole in couch under pillows. Under hole cops find two electrical sanders with sandpaper removed. Cops determine guy in habit of jamming penis between pillows, through hole, and between two electrical sanders. Cops determine guy had orgasm causing one sander to short out. Electrocution. Ohio guy dead.

One Liners by Barry Hilton: 1. I was so poor growing up... if I wasn't a boy... I’d have nothing to play with. 2. A girl phoned me the other day & said, "Come on over; nobody's home." I went over. Nobody was home. 3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel. 4. One day I came home early from work... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said "Because you came home early". 5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning... put a shirt on & a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, & the handle came off. I’m afraid to go to the bathroom. 6. I was such an ugly kid... When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up. 7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster & radio. 8. I was such an ugly baby... My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend. 9. I'm so ugly... My father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet. 10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room & said to my father, "I’m sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through." 11. I'm so ugly... my mother had morning sickness... AFTER I was born. 12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped & they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. 13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, & asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide." 14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday. 15. I'm so ugly... I worked in a pet shop, & people kept asking how big I'd get. 16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up & I look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; what's wrong with me?" He said... "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect." 17. I went to the doctor because I’d swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks & get some rest. 18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff. 19. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favourite bone is my arm. Last night he went on the paper 4 times - 3 of those times I was reading it. 20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy- for birth control. 21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.

Need Typing Lessons? Try Here: Typing Lessons

A ventriloquist named Joe decided to visit an indian tribe. Joe walks up to th chief and says "I bet I can make your dog talk" "Dog no talk" says the cheif. "We'll see" says Joe "How does your chief treat you?" To this the dog replies "Fine, he gives me good food and we play all the time". Let's see if I cant make your horse talk" "Horse no talk" says the chief. "We'll see" says Joe "How does your Chief treat you" "He treats me well...I always have plenty of food and hay". "Let's see if we cant make your sheep talk". "No!" cries the chief "Sheep lie! Sheep lie!"

A lady goes into the local sporting goods store to buy a fishing rod to give to her husband for his birthday. A salesman wearing dark glasses with a dog is behind the counter and asks, "Can I help you ma'am ?" "Well, I'd like to buy a fishing rod, can you tell me about this one ?" she answers. The salesman replies, "I'm sorry ma'am but I am blind and can not see the rod your referring too. However, if you'll drop it on the counter I'll tell you all about it as I can tell from the sound it makes." The lady picks up the rod, and does what he says and drops it on the counter. He belts "That's a Zebco 2500, fiberglass, 6.5', medium action - $15." Lady - "Wow !" She finds another and does the same. "Thats an Orion 35C, graphite, 6', light action - best used with ultralight tackle - $20." Very impressed the lady decides to buy the second one. As the man is ringing up the sale the lady loudly passes gas but feels no need to apologize as the salesman is blind and has no idea who she is. Salesman says, "That'll be $25." "Twenty five dollars !? You said $20.?" "That's right ma'am, $20 for the rod, $3 for the duck call and $2 for the fish bait." Rather than explain the lady pays the $25.

In the men's bathroom, an accountant, a lawyer and a cowboy were standing side-by-side using the urinal. The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands...clear up to his elbows....he used 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Michigan and they taught us to be clean." The lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from the University of California and they taught us to be environmentally conscious." The cowboy zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, "I graduated from Texas Tech University and they taught us not to piss on our hands.

Three friends decided to bet each other $100 on who could make their wives scream more from sex. They all go home to have sex with their wives and make them scream. The next day the meet. The first friend says, "I made love to my wife for 2 hours and she was screaming for at least 1 1/2 hours." The second friend says, "That's nothing, I start licking my wife for two hours and she was screaming the whole time and half hour after that." The third friend says, " That's nothing, last night I made love to my wife for ten minutes, I came a couple times I wiped my Dick in the new curtains and she was still screaming this morning."

One day there were four nuns in line for confessional. The first nun said, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned." He asked how. She said "I saw a man's private part." He told her to wash her eyes with holy water. The second nun comes in and says, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned." He asked how. "I touched a man's private parts." He told her to wash her hands in holy water. Then he heard the third and fourth nun fighting. He asked why they were fighting. The fourth nun said, "I'm not going to wash my mouth in the holy water if she is going to sit in it."

Sam and Bessie Goldberg are senior citizens, and, Sam always wanted an expensive pair of cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys a pair and wears them home, asking Bessie, "So, do you notice anything different about me?" "What's different? It's the same shirt you wore yesterday, andthe same pants. What's different?" Frustrated, Sam goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out completely naked, wearing only his new boots. Again, he says, "Bessie, do you notice anything different about me?" "What's different, Sam? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and will be hanging down tomorrow." Angrily, Sam yells, "DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN? Cause it's looking at my NEW BOOTS!" Bessie replies, "Then you shoulda bought a hat!"

A man enters a watch repair shop to get his watch fixed.The young woman behind the counter is extemely attractive, so instead of getting his damaged watch out he walks over unzips and lays his member on the counter in front of her. Astonished the young woman says "Sir, this a clock shop"! "Exactly, the man replies, and I'd like to get a pair of hands and a face put on this".

A few days before Jack married Wendy, he had her name tattooed on his penis to show her how much he loved her. When erect, the name was fully visible; but when deflated, it read "Wy". After the ceremony, they went to Jamaica on their honeymoon. Wendy was delighted with Jack's "special emblem of devotion." Their hotel had two beaches, one traditional and one nudist. After two days of the traditional beach, Wendy suggested visiting the clothing-optional beach. As Wendy lay on her towel in the hot sun, she asked Jack if he'd bring her a cold drink. He walked across the sand to the little hut and asked the bartender, who was also naked, for two frozen mixed drinks. Jack tried not to stare, but he noticed that the bartender had "Wy" tattooed on his penis. "Hey", Jack said and smiled, "What a coincidence. Your girlfriend must also be named Wendy." "Oh no, mon," the bartender said and laughed, "Mine say 'Welcome to Jamaica. Enjoy your stay.'"

A young man was strolling down a street. As he passed a large building with a fence around it, he heard a group of people chanting "Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen" over and over again. Curious, he tried to see over the fence, but couldn't. Then he spotted a hole in the wood. He put his eye to the hole. He just managed to spy some old people sitting in deckchairs chanting, before a finger came out of nowhere and poked him in the eye. As he staggered back, the old people started chanting, "Fourteen, fourteen, fourteen..."

Four workers were discussing how smart their dogs were. The first was an engineer who said his dog could do math calculations. His dog was named "T-Square", and he told him to get some paper and draw a square, a circle and a triangle, which the dog did with no sweat. The accountant said he thought his dog was better. His dog was named "Slide Rule". He told him to fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back, and divide them into piles of three, which he did with no problem. The chemist said that was good, but he felt his dog was better. His dog "Measure" was told to get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces into a ten ounce glass. The dog did this with no problem. All three men agreed this was very good and that their dogs were equally smart. They all turned to the union member and said, "What can your dog do?". The Teamster called his dog whose name was "Coffee Break" and said, "Show the fellows what you can do". Coffee Break went over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper, screwed the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, applied for Workmen's Compensation and left for home on sick leave.

A man and a woman were dating. She being of a religious nature had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so bad. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits. "I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing. He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car. He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse. At 60 off came the pants. At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties. Now seeing her naked for the first time and traveling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree. His girlfriend was not hurt but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck. "Go to the road and get help," he said. "I don't have anything to cover myself with!" he replied. The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. "You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her. So she did as he said and went up to the road for help. Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story. "My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!" The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies, "Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he'a a goner!"

A man walks into a Bar and sees a horse in the back corner with a large crowd around it. He walks up to the bar and as he orders a drink sees a large jar on the counter full of money. So, curosity peek he asks about the Horse. The Bartender tells him that there is a contest to make the horse laugh, but sofar no has in 3 weeks and he is making a killing off the horse. So the man tells the bartender to get the money ready to be won and walks over to the horse and whispers something in it's ear. As the man steps back, the horse seems to stare at him for a second then busts out in laughter. The man walks back up to the bar and finishs his drink and holds out his hand for the money. The bartender hands is over and just stares at the horse while the man walks out. A week later the man comes walking back into and sees the horse still in the corner. So he walks up to the bar and see the jar full again. When asked, the Bartender tells the man that this time he must get the horse to cry. The man looks thoughtfully at the jar and finishes his drink and walks back towards the horse while teh bartender goes back to work. A few minutes later, the bartender realizes there is a silence in the bar inwhich he can hear crying. Looking up he ses the man walking back towards the bar. As the man collects his money, the bartender still cant believe the silence of the patrons and the crying horse so looks at the man and asks "Last week you made my horse laugh fit to fall over, and now you make it cry like you gonna shoot it's mother. How?" To this the man replies "Well last week, I told it, I had a bigger dick then he does, and the horse thought that was the funniest thing in the world, and this week, I showed him."