T-BONE

Frontline - Almost Unreleased Kenny McGee - Kenny McGee Westworld - Cyberdreams JK Northrup - Play It On 11 Twinball - Remnants Of A Broken Soul

Billy-Joe and Betty-Sue get married, and Billy-Joe whisks her away to his daddy's hunting cabin in the woods, for a romantic 'nature honeymoon'... He carries her across the threshold, and they get into bed, when Betty-Sue whispers in his ear "Billy-Joe, be gentle, I ain never been with a man b'fore." "WHAT???" shouts Billy-Joe, and his little bride softly shakes her head... Billy-Joe jumps out of bed, grabs his clothes, and races out the door, into his truck.... down the mountain.... straight to his parents house... rushes inside screaming "Hey Daddy!, Paw! Git'up!" ..... His father rushes downstairs and gasps... "Billy-Joe, what'r you doin here?" Billy-Joe, still breathing hard from his mad flight, gasps "Well, Betty-Sue an I was in the' cabin, and she toll' me she ain't never been with a man' afore.... so's I rushed outta there, an' lit back here... quick as I could!" His father grasps Billy-Joe's shoulder in reassurance, and says "SON, Ya done the right thing.... Iffin she ain't good'nuff fer her family, she shure as shit ain't good'nuff fer ours!!"

A Kentucky family took a vacation to New York City. For an adventure, the father took his son to see a skyscraper. They were amazed by everything they saw -- especially the elevator at one end of the lobby. The boy asked, "What's that there, Paw?" The father responded, "Well, Son, I reckon I never did see nothing like this in my entire life. I got no derned idea what it is!" While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father turned to his son and said, "Go git your Maw."

One Sunday morning Joe burst into the living room and said, "Dad, Mom, I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, Joe's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you.. Your mother and I have been married 30 years. She's a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her." Joe was heart-broken. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Dianne said yes! We are getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half-sister too, Joe, I am very sorry about this." Joe was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I am never going to get married", he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister." His mother just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father."

A pizza delivery boy rings the doorbell. A beautiful woman with see-thru negligee opens the door and gives the delivery boy a big smile. She asks him, "Do you like what you see?" The delivery boy says, "Yyyyyes" The woman says, "I hear someone coming, get in here and close the door." When the door was closed the woman opens her negligee and asks the delivery boy, "What part of me do you like best?" The delivery boy says, "Your ears." "My ears", the woman says, "but why?" Well, said the delivery boy, a while ago you said that you heard someone coming. That was me."

That depends on what i've been drinking

A woman goes to her local pet shop in search of a pet. There she finds a brightly plumed parrot. "How much for the bird?" she asks. "Oh, you don’t want that bird," replies the storekeeper. "He used to live in a whorehouse, so he’s got a dirty mouth." "But he’s so pretty," she gushes. "I’ll tell you what. Take him home, try him out. If it doesn’t work, bring him back." When it arrives at its new home, the bird looks around and squawks, "New house, new madam." The woman is disturbed, but ignores it. Hours later, her daughters come home from school. Again the bird looks around and screeches, "New house, new madam, new hookers." The woman is bothered, but ignores it—after all, the bird hasn’t actually cursed. A few hours later, her husband comes home from work. Again, after looking around, the bird squawks, "New house, new madam, new hookers. Hi, George."

A redneck little boy walks into the kitchen where his mom is fixing that night's dinner. "Mom, I got a splinter in my finger. Can I have a glass of cider?" asks the boy. "Are you sure you don't want me to pull it out?" "No thanks, just the cider." "Well sure," responds the boy's mother and gives her son the cider and watches him trot contentedly off. About fifteen minutes later the boy returns to the kitchen and again asks his mother for a glass of cider. His mother, not wanting to question his reasoning, gives him another glass and again watches him leave happy. Ten minutes later the boy returns once again asks for a glass of cider. The mother complies with her son's wishes again, but her curiosity has been piqued to the point where she can't resist knowing why any longer. So she wanders into the family room and sees her son sitting in front of the TV with his finger in the glass. "Why on earth do you have your finger in that glass?" asks the boy's mother. "Well Mom, I heard Sis on the phone say that whenever she had a prick in her hand, she couldn't wait to get it in cider."

A drunk walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." So, the bartender does just that, and hands the man the bill. The drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street. The very next day, the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." The bartender figures that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt. He pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself, and hands the drunk the bill. Again, the drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street. The next day, the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says, "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink and give me the bill." In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?" The drunk replies, "Nope! You get too violent when you drink."

This one is specifically for jason: New FDA Alcoholic Beverage Warning Labels... WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember). WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think that a "2" is a "10." AND, Instead of warning women not to drink when they are pregnant the new guidelines should read: WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of pregnancy in the world. Proceed with caution.

A man bumps into a Woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."

A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient, "How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?" He got the following reply. "Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I married a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter. My dad came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother. Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy's brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddy's wife. So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once my stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle. As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother's mother. Don't forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter. Remember, too, that I am my wife's grandson. But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since I'm married to my step-grandmother, I am not only the wife's grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather. Now can you understand how I got put in this place?" After staring blanky with a dizzy look on his face, the psychiatrist replied: "Move over!"

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's facewas severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny, so the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you." "My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

Just to add my 2 cents worth, it's been done before. I'm not accusing PJ of anything either. I've had good luck with him. I Have had a shill bidder before and he was busted and thrown off Ebay. Even though the bidder lives in another city, doesn't mean that the 2 people don't know each other and do each other favors. The guy that I busted always sniped at the last minute on Guitar parts and it was always the same seller and bidder. No sooner did the auction end and they both had positive feedback and about 2-3 weeks later, the same seller had the same item up for bid again. I'm assuming that the price he wanted wasn't met and he wanted me to take the bait and keep bidding. Ebay would not disclose what happened with the investigation, but the seller and bidder were no longer registered users. That pretty much said it all. Like I said, it's happened before, but i'm not accusing anyone including PJ of doing it

Marriage Dictionary BACHELOR: 1) A guy who has avoided the opportunity to make some woman miserable. 2) A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free. 3) A man who never makes the same mistake once. 4) A nice guy who has cheated some nice girl out of her alimony. 5) A person who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit. 6) The only man who has never told his wife a lie. BRIDE: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. COMPROMISE: An amiable arrangement between husband and wife whereby they agree to let her have her own way. DIPLOMAT: A man who can convince his wife she would look fat in a fur coat. GENTLEMAN: 1) A husband who steadies the stepladder so that his wife will not fall while she paints the ceiling. 2) A man who, when his wife drops her knitting, kicks it over to her so that she can easily pick it up. HOUSEWORK: What the wife does that nobody notices until she doesn't do it. HUSBAND: 1) A man who gives up privileges he never realized he had. 2) A person who is the boss of his house and has his wife's permission to say so. JOINT CHECKING ACCOUNT: A handy little device which permits the wife to beat the husband to the draw. LOVE: An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage. MISS: A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market. MOTHER-IN-LAW: A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers. MRS.: A job title involving heavy duties, light earnings, and no recognition. SPOUSE: Someone who will stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single in the first place. WIFE: A mate who is forever complaining about not having anything to wear at the very same time that she complains about not having enough room in the closet.

A policeman and his partner park around the corner from a bar. At closing time they watch a man walk out to the parking lot who can barely stand up, he walks crookedly across the parking lot as people are leaving and driving out. They watch the man fumble around with his keys and try 4 cars before he finds the right one. Meanwhile other people are driving away.the man gets in his car and starts it up, the police have had enough and go over to his car. They ask him if he's been drinking, the man says no. The police takes out his breathalizer and tells the man to blow in it, amazingly theres no sign of alcohol. The policeman says, i'm sorry sir we're going to have to bring you in, my breathalizer is broken.."theres no need for that" the man replies."why's that?" says the policeman, the man replies, "cause tonight, i'm the designated decoy!"

The new hooker just finished her first trick. When she came back down to the street, the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details. She said "well, he was a big muscular and handsome marine". "Well, what did he want to do?" they all asked. She said " I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he didn't have that much". "So I told him that oral sex would be $75, but he didn't have that much either". "Finally I said, well, how much do you have"? The marine said that he only had $25. The new hooker said "well, for $25 all I can do is service you by hand" He agreed and after getting the finances straight, she said "he pulled it out and I put one hand on it, and then the second hand above the first and then the first hand above the second hand..." "Oh my god" they all exclaimed, "it must have been huge, then what did you do?" "I loaned him $75!" she said.

Three old men were sitting around and talking. The 80 year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me would just to be able to have a good pee. I stand there for twenty minutes, and it dribbles and hurts. I have to go over and over again." The 85 year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me is if I could have one good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands on and it's still a problem." Then the 90 year-old said, "That's not my problem. Every morning at 6:00 am sharp, I have a good long pee. At around 6:30 am I have a great bowel movement. The best thing that could happen to me would be if I could wake up before 7:00 am.

The coaches in St. Landry Parish (In Louisianna)went to a coaches retreat and to save money they had to room together. No one wanted to room with Coach Boudreaux because he snores so bad. They decide it's not fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time so they vote to take turns. Coach Fontenot sleeps in Coach Boudreaux's room and he comes to breakfast next morning, hair a mess, eyes all blood shot. They say, "Man, what happen to yah?" He replies, "Man, dat Boudreaux snore so loud, I watch him all night." Next night is Coach Guidry's turn. In the morning, same thing -hair all standing up, eyes all blood shot. They say, "Man, what happen to yah? Yah look awful!" He says, "Man, dat Boudreaux shake de roof. I did watch him all night." Third night, it's Coach Doucet's turn. Next morning he comes to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning yah'll." Well, they can't believe it! They say, "Man, what happened? It looks like you got a good nights sleep!" He replied with a grin, "Well, we git ready fo' bed. I go and tuck Boudreaux into hiz bed and kiss him goodnight and pat his hairy ass. He don't be sleep. He stay up and watch ME all night."

A motorist was pulled over by a traffic policeman. ‘Excuse me sir,’ said the officer ‘Do you realize your wife fell out of the car about two miles back?’ Thank God,’ the man replied, I thought I’d gone deaf

A woman is taking a bath (naked, of course) when suddenly she hears a knock at the door. "Hello....can I come in?" a male voice asks. "Who is it?" the woman asks. "It is the blind man" says the voice on the other side of the door. The woman gets out of the bath and after some consideration, opens the door, thinking, "Well, he's blind anyway". The man comes in the bathroom, takes a good look at the woman and says, "Nice Rack! Now where would you like the blinds

one day a cowboy was riding in the old west and came upon an Indian with his Horse and a dog, the cowboy looks at the indian and asks him if it was Ok for him to talk to his Dog the indian reply's "dog no talk" and the cowboy says alright and walked up to the dog and says so has your master kicked you?? the dog replies "No" then the cowboy asks the dog if his master treated him Ok?? at this time the indian looked kinda confused and shook his head the dog replied to the cowboy" OH yes he takes good care of me and he feeds me well and gives me enuff attention! OK says the cowboy, he looks at the indian smiles and says "Good" is it Ok if I talk to your Horse?? the Indian looks at him and says "Horse NO talk" allright says the cowboy and commences to asking the horse the same questions!! the Indian looked really confused by now because the horse answered every question with the same results as the Dog! then the cowboy seen a sheep and asked the Indian if he could talk to him as well!! the Indian Looked really Worried about this-- and replys "Sheep A LIAR"

Three men were walking aimlessly in the desert. They came upon a castle. Dying of thirst, they decided to go into the castle. Inside they found no men, just dozens of beautiful women. The three men decided to stay (obviously, what man wouldn't). For a week they enjoyed themselves having sex many times a day with all of the beautiful women. After a week, the king of the castle and his army of men came back. As he walked into his castle, he found the three men with his women. Upset, the king ordered his army to capture the three men and line them up against the wall. Then the king said that each of them would be severely punished according to their occupation. The king goes up the first man and demands to know his occupation. The first man replies, "Fireman." The king tells his army, "Burn off his penis." Then he walked over to the second man and asked his occupation. Hesitating the man said, "I...I...I...I'm a police officer." The king ordered, "Shoot off his penis." Then finally the King asks the third man his occupation. With a huge smile on his face the man replied, "Lollipop salesman."

CHILI CONTEST: These are notes from an inexperienced chili taster named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from New Jersey... "Recently I was lucky enough to be the 10,000th attendee at the State Fair in Texas and was asked to fill in to be a judge at a chili cook-off. Apparently the original Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that it would be a fun event and a true taste of Texas hospitality. They assured me that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event." *Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick. JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. *Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang. JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face. *Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans. JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers. FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced. *Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. *Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me burst into flames. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks! *Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers. JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone! *Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach. *Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending... this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank. FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

As of right now (cd's change daily) Twinball - Remnants Of A Broken Soul Nickelback - Silver Side Up Craaft - Second Honeymoon Frontline - Against The World Wasp - The Headless Children