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Jane lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage. Her daughter constantly urges her to get back into The dating world. Finally, Jane says she'll go out, but doesn't know

anyone.

 

Her daughter immediately replies, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet."

 

Well, it's an immediate hit. They really like one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend at the lake.

 

Their first night there, she undresses as does he. There she stands nude except for a pair of black lacy panties, while he is in his birthday suit.

 

Looking at her he asks, "Why the black panties?"

 

She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore but down there I am still in mourning."

 

The following night, the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on and he is in his birthday suit, except that he has a black condom over his erection.

 

She looks at him and asks, "What's with the black condom?" He replies, "I want to offer my deepest condolences....."

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  • 2 weeks later...
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Redneck pick up lines

 

1) Did you fart?

cuz you blew me away.

 

2) Are yer parents retarded?

cuz ya sure are special.

 

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea ...

I can't hold it in.

 

4) Do you have a library card?

cuz I'd like to check you out.

 

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?

cuz I can see myself in em.

 

6) If you and I were Squirrels,

I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

 

7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away.

 

8) Man - "Fat Penguin!"

Woman - "WHAT?"

Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."

 

9) I know I'm no Fred Flintstone,

but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

 

10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him?

I think he went into this cheap motel room.

 

11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

 

12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.

 

and.... the best for last!

 

13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,

every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Whats your state motto?

 

Alabama

Hell Yea We Have Electricity.

 

Alaska

11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

 

Arizona

Yes, But It's A Dry Heat.

 

Arkansas

Literacy Ain't Everythang.

 

California

By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda.

 

Colorado

If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother.

 

Connecticut

Like Massachusetts, only smaller.

 

Delaware

We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water.

 

Florida

Ask Us About Our Grandkids And Our Voting Skills.

 

 

Georgia

We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism.

 

Hawaii

Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, Leave Your Money)

 

Idaho

More Than Just Potatoes... Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

 

Illinois

Please, Don't Pronounce the "S"

 

Indiana

2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

 

Iowa

We Do Amazing Things With Corn

 

Kansas

First Of The Rectangle States

 

Kentucky

Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

 

Louisiana

We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign.

 

Maine

We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

 

Maryland

If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

 

Massachusetts

Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's And Our Senators Are More Corrupt!

 

Michigan

First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

 

Minnesota

10,000 Lakes... And 10 Zillion Mosquitoes

 

Mississippi

Come visit And Feel Better About Your Own State

 

Missouri

Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

 

Montana

Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Honest Elections!

 

Nebraska

Ask About Our State Motto Contest

 

Nevada

Hookers and Poker!

 

New Hampshire

Go Away And Leave Us Alone

 

New Jersey

You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right here!

 

New Mexico

Lizards Make Excellent Pets

 

New York

You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney... And No Right To Self Defense!

 

North Carolina

Tobacco Is A Vegetable

 

North Dakota

We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

 

Ohio

At Least We're Not Michigan

 

Oklahoma

Like The Play, But No Singing

 

Oregon

Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner

 

Pennsylvania

Cook With Coal

 

Rhode Island

We're Not REALLY An Island

 

South Carolina

Remember The Civil War? Well, We Didn't Actually Surrender, Yet!

 

South Dakota

Closer Than North Dakota!

 

Tennessee

Home of the Al Gore Invention Museum .

 

Texas

Se Hable Ingles

 

Utah

Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

 

Vermont

Too liberal for the Kennedys

 

Virginia

Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

 

Washington

Our Governor can out-fraud your Governor!

 

West Virginia

One Big Happy Family...Really!

 

Wisconsin

Come Cut the Cheese!

 

Wyoming

Where Men Are Men... And The Sheep Are Scared

 

The District of Columbia

The Work-Free Drug Place!

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  • 3 weeks later...

Eddie, wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office.... but she was dating someone else.

 

One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you..." The girl looked at him, then said, "NO."

 

Eddie said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up."

 

She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend.... so she called him and explained the situation.

 

Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down." She agreed and accepts the proposal.

 

Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call.

 

Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened....

 

Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bastard had all CHANGE!"

 

 

 

 

 

... Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed

 

 

________________________________________________________________________________

___

 

Bureaucratic Policymaking...

 

 

 

 

In the beginning was the Plan.

 

And then came the Assumptions.

 

And the assumptions were without form.

 

And the plan was without substance.

 

And darkness was upon the faces of the workers.

 

And they spoke among themselves saying, "It is a crock of shit and it stinks."

 

And the workers went unto their Supervisors and said, "It is a pail of dung and we cannot live with the smell."

 

And the supervisors went unto their Managers saying, "It is a container of organic waste and it is very strong such that none may abide by it."

 

And the managers went unto their Directors, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer and none may abide by it."

 

And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another, "It contains that which aids plant growth and it is very powerful."

 

And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him, "This new plan will actively promote growth and vigor of the company with very powerful effects."

 

And the president looked upon the plan and saw that it was good.

 

And the plan became Policy.

 

And THIS is how SHIT HAPPENS!!!

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New partition

 

Business was good at the local whorehouse and the madam decided to partition one of larger rooms. After the work was complete the carpenter asked for payment but was put off.

 

After several weeks he still hadn't been paid and he regularly threatened, "Pay me or I'll rip out the partition."

 

Finally the madam offered to pay him in trade. "Take any girl in the house and have your pleasure with her."

 

"I'll take you."

 

"Me? I'm an old lady. Take one of those young, good looking chicks."

 

"I want you."

 

So he took her upstairs and removed all her clothes, laid her on her back and put one finger in her pussy and one finger in her butt. "What are you doing?" she asked.

 

"I told you before. Pay me or I'll rip out the partition."

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Last Tuesday, as President Bush got off the helicopter in front of the

White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.

 

The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says: "Nice

pigs, sir."

 

The President replies "Oh, young man, these are not pigs. You see, I just

came back from Arkansas . These are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got

one for Senator Hillary Clinton and I got one for our new Speaker of The

House, Nancy Pelosi."

 

The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and says,

 

"Excellent Trade Sir, Excellent Trade!"

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  • 1 month later...

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

 

God works in Mysterious ways.

 

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars, there's nothing left of them, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

 

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from God!"

 

The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

 

Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle, and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

 

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

 

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."

 

 

MORAL OF THE STORY:

 

 

Women are clever, evil bitches.

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A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

 

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair given that you are blind that you should know five things:

 

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

 

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

 

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,

 

"No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

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  • 1 month later...

After one day in prison, Paris Hilton was finding it rather difficult coping without having sex so she demanded to the Prison Warden that she wanted a conjugal visit straight away. The Warden said "okay, who would like to visit you?"

Paris replied, "The State of Ohio"

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  • 4 weeks later...

Some of these you may have seen before...but what the hell some are classics

 

some really stupid answers to tv / radio quiz show questions aired in the

UK.

 

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE

 

Bamber Gascoigne : What was Ghandi's first name?

Contestant : Goosey, Goosey?

 

THE WEAKEST LINK

 

Anne Robinson : In traffic, what "J" is where two roads meet?

Contestant : Jool carriageway

 

Anne Robinson :

Which Italian city is overlooked by Vesuvius?

Contestant : Bombay

 

Anne Robinson : What insect is commonly found hovering above lakes?

Contestant : Crocodiles

Anne Robinson : Wh...?

Contestant (interrupting) : Pass!

 

Anne Robinson : In olden times, what were minstrels, travelling entertainers

or chocolate salesmen?

Contestant : Chocolate salesmen.

 

Anne Robinson : The Bible, the New Testament. The Four Gospels were written

by Matthew , Mark , Luke and...?

Contestant : (long pause) Joe ?

 

Anne Robinson : Who was a famous Indian leader, whose name begins with G,

revered by millions, who was assassinated and received a state funeral?

Contestant : Geronimo !

 

NATIONAL LOTTERY JET SET

 

Eamonn Holmes : What's the name of the playwright commonly known by

the initials G.B.S.?

Contestant : William Shakespeare

 

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW, BBC BRISTOL

 

Searle : In which European country is Mount Etna ?

Caller : Japan

 

Searle : I did say which European country, so in case you didn't

hear that, I can let you try again.

Caller : Er... Mexico ?

 

FAMILY FORTUNES

 

1 ) Something a blind man might use? - A Sword

2 ) A song with the word Moon in the title? - Blue Suede Moon

3 ) Name the capital of France ? - F

4 ) Name a bird with a long Neck? - Naomi Campbell

5 ) Name an occupation where you might need a torch? - A burglar

6 ) Where is the Taj Mahal? - Opposite the Dental Hospital

7 ) What is Hitler 's first name? - Heil

8 ) A famous Scotsman? - Jock

9 ) Some famous brothers? - Bonnie and Clyde .

10 ) A dangerous race? - The Arabs

11 ) Something that floats in a bath? - Water

12 ) An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers? - A horse

13 ) Something you wear on a beach? - A deckchair

14 ) A famous Royal? - Mail

15 ) Something that flies that doesn't have an engine? - A bicycle with

wings

16 ) A famous bridge? - The Bridge Over Troubled Waters

17 ) Something a cat does? - Goes to the toilet

18 ) Something you do in the bathroom? - Decorate

19 ) A method of securing your home? - Put the kettle on

20 ) Something associated with pigs? - The Police

21 ) A sign of the Zodiac? - April

22 ) Something people might be allergic to? - Skiing

23 ) Something you do before you go to bed? - Sleep

24 ) Something you put on walls? - A roof

25 ) Something slippery? - A conman

26 ) A kind of ache? - A fillet of fish

27 ) A jacket potato topping? - Jam

28 ) A food that can be brown or white? - A potato

29 ) Something sold by gypsies? - Bananas

30 ) Something red? - My sweater

 

RADIO LINCS PHONE-IN

 

Presenter : Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the

world?

Contestant : Barcelona

Presenter : I was really after the name of a country.

Contestant : I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain

 

STEVE WRIGHT SHOW, RADIO 2

 

Wright : On which continent would you find the River Danube?

Contestant : India

 

Wright : What is the Italian word for motorway?

Contestant :Espresso

 

Wright : What is the capital of Australia ? And it's not Sydney

Contestant : Sydney

 

THIS MORNING

 

Judy Finnegan : The American TV show 'The Sopranos' is about opera.

True or false?

Contestant : True?

 

Judy Finnegan : No, actually, it's about the Mafia. But it is an American TV

show,so I'll give you that.

 

 

 

BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE

 

Paul Wappat : How long did the Six Day War between Egypt and Israel last?

Contestant (after long pause) : Fourteen days.

 

BOB HOPE BIRTHDAY QUIZ, LBC

 

Presenter : Bob Hope was the fifth of how many sons?

Contestant : Four

 

BBC GMR, PHIL WOOD SHOW

 

Wood : What "K" could be described as the Islamic Bible?

Contestant : Er...

Wood : It's got two syllables... Kor...

Contestant : Blimey?

Wood : Ha ha ha ha no. The past participle of run...

Contestant : (Silence)

Wood : OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I...

Contestant : Walked?

 

DARYL 'S DRIVETIME, VIRGIN RADIO

Daryl Denham : In which country would you spend shekels?

Contestant : Holland ?

Daryl Denham : Try the next letter of the alphabet.

Contestant : Iceland ? Ireland ?

Daryl Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?

Contestant : No.

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  • 3 weeks later...

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.

 

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.

 

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

 

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

 

"That must've been scary", said the teacher.

 

"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff Fffff'...

 

And before he could say 'Fuck', the Rottweiler ate him!"

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Fun with Hotel Descriptions:

 

 

>> Old world charm ................................. No bath

>>

>> Tropical ............................................. Rainy

>>

>> Majestic setting ................................. A long way from town

>>

>> Options galore ................................... Nothing is included

>> in the itinerary

>>

>> Secluded hideaway ............................ Impossible to find or get

>> to

>>

>> Pre-registered rooms .......................... Already occupied

>>

>> Explore on your own ........................... Pay for it yourself

>>

>> Knowledgeable trip hosts .................... They've flown in an

>> airplane before

>>

>> No extra fees ..................................... No extras

>>

>> Nominal fee ....................................... Outrageous charge

>>

>> Standard ........................................... Sub-standard

>>

>> Deluxe .............................................. Standard

>>

>> Superior ............................................ One free shower

>> cap

>>

>> Cozy ................................................. Small

>>

>> All the amenities ................................ Two free shower caps

>>

>> Plush ................................................ Top and bottom

>> sheets

>>

>> Gentle breezes .................................. Occasional Gale-force

>> winds

>>

>> Light and airy ..................................... No air conditioning

>>

>> Picturesque ....................................... Theme park nearby

>>

>> Open bar ........................................... Free ice cubes

>>

>> Concierge ....................................... Stand with tourist

>> brochures

>>

>> Continental breakfast ..................... Free muffin

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MAKING A BABY...

There is not one dirty word in it, and it is

funny.

 

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and

decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.

Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now; the man

should be here soon."

 

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby

photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a

sale.

 

Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...''

 

Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've

been expecting you."

 

Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did

you know babies are my specialty?"

 

Well that's what my husband and I had hoped.

Please come in and have a seat"

 

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where

do we start?"

 

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the

bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And

some times the living room floor is fun.! You ca n really spread out

there."

 

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for

Harry and me!"

 

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But

if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven

angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

 

"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.

 

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to

be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be

disappointed with that."

 

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

 

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio

of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

 

"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at

her throat.

 

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider

their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" aske d Mrs. Smith.

 

"Yes, I'm afraid so I initally had to take her to the park to get

the job done right. People were crowding around four and

five deep to get a good look."

 

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with

amazement.

 

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too.

The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly

concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.

Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just

had to pack it all in."

 

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on

your, uh ...equipment?"

 

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod

and we can get to work right away."

 

"Tripod?"

 

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's

much too big to be held in the hand very long."

 

Mrs. Smith fainted.........

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Offensive, but funny.

 

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE:

 

 

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

 

Juan on Juan

 

 

 

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?

 

The position of the dirt bag

 

 

 

Why is divorce so expensive?

 

Because it's worth it.

 

 

 

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

 

Doughnuts

 

 

 

Why is air a lot like sex?

 

Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

 

 

 

 

What do you call a smart blonde?

 

A golden retriever.

 

 

 

 

What do attorneys use for birth control?

 

Their personalities.

 

 

 

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

 

45 lbs.

 

 

 

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?

 

45 minutes.

 

 

 

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

 

Through his chest with a sharp knife.

 

 

 

Why do men want to marry virgins?

 

They can't stand criticism.

 

 

 

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

 

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

 

 

 

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

 

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

 

 

 

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?

 

Because they have cotton balls.

 

 

 

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?

 

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

 

 

 

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

 

"Are you sure it's mine?"

 

 

 

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

 

Mace will do that to you.

 

 

 

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Arkansas?

 

Everyone has the same DNA.

 

 

 

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

 

Breasts don't have eyes.

 

 

 

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on

Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

 

Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

 

 

 

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?

 

A different bar.

 

 

 

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?

 

They named him "Sum Ting Wong”.

 

 

 

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

 

A speech impediment.

 

 

 

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?

 

They're hiring.

 

 

 

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

 

A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage

along with... "a recipe".

 

 

 

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?

 

Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

 

 

 

Why is there no Disneyland in China?

 

No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.

 

 

 

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairy

tale?

 

A northern fairy tale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairy tale

begins' Ya’ll ain't gonna believe this sh!t..."

 

 

 

AND....LAST BUT NOT LEAST

 

 

There is a girl with big [Censored] and she works at Hooters

 

There is another girl with only one leg where does she work?

 

 

IHOP

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  • 4 months later...

For his birthday, little Joe asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father

said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 &

your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it." The next

day the father saw little Joe heading out the front door with a suitcase. So

he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Joe told him; "I was walking

past your room last night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out.

Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be

damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike!

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Things you didn't want to know....

 

 

 

During an hour's swimming at a municipal pool you will ingest 1/12 liter of urine. (That's about 2.5 ounces)

 

In an average day your hands will have come into indirect contact with 15 penises (touching door handles, etc.)

 

An average person's yearly fast food intake will contain 12 pubic hairs.

 

In a year you will have swallowed 14 insects - while you slept!

 

Annually you will shake hands with 2 women who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.

 

Annually you will shake hands with 26 men who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.

 

In a lifetime 22 workmen will have examined the contents of your dirty linen basket.

 

At an average wedding reception you have a 1/100 chance of getting a cold sore from one of the guests.

 

Daily you will breath in 1 liter of other peoples' anal gases.

 

 

HAVE A GREAT DAY... ...and wash your damn hands!

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Daily you will breath in 1 liter of other peoples' anal gases.

 

Unless you work with the jerk-offs I do. They think it's "cute" to rip 'em randomly.... :blink:

 

blech....

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Daily you will breath in 1 liter of other peoples' anal gases.

 

Unless you work with the jerk-offs I do. They think it's "cute" to rip 'em randomly.... :blink:

 

blech....

 

Haha....that may explain your problems!! Too much anal gas intake!!! :rofl2:

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  • 4 weeks later...

A professor at University of Montana was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.

 

Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

 

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said,

 

'Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

 

She replied, 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies.'

 

 

 

The professor laughed so hard he could not continue with the class.

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A professor at University of Montana was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.

 

Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

 

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said,

 

'Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

 

She replied, 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies.'

 

 

 

The professor laughed so hard he could not continue with the class.

 

 

:rofl2: & :yikes:! :drink:

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  • 2 months later...

SMART ASS ANSWER #1 -- It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters

Airline. 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John,

seated in front. 'What are my choices?' John asked. 'Yes or no,' she

replied.

 

SMART ASS ANSWER #2 -- A flight attendant was stationed at the

departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her

hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat, she said, ' Sir, I need to see your ticket,

not your stub.'

 

SMART ASS ANSWER #3 -- A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys

at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her

family. She asked a stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The

stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'

 

SMART ASS ANSWER #4 -- The cop got out of his car and the kid who was

stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for

you all day,' the cop said. The kid replied, 'Yeah, well I got here as

fast as I could.' When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the

kid on his way without a ticket.

 

SMART ASS ANSWER #5 -- A truck driver was driving along on the

freeway. A sign comes up that reads, 'Low Bridge Ahead.' Before he

knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the

bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally a police car comes up.

The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his

hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' The truck driver says,

'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.'

 

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR -- A college teacher reminds her class

of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for

you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a

serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family,

but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-ass guy in the

back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if

tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual

exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student,

shakes her head and sweetly says, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write

the exam with your other hand.'

 

Two bonus extras:

 

#1. A blond goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas

cards. She says to the clerk, 'May I have 50 Christmas stamps?'

The clerk says, 'What denomination?' The blond says, 'God help us.

Has it come to this? Well, then, give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian,

10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.'

 

#2. A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is

not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel

horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a

compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

The coroner said its unlikely that he heard the shot...

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Lessons In: Think Before You Speak

 

 

 

FIRST TESTIMONY:

 

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly,

'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'

I turned around and walked back out and never went back.

My husband didn't say a word...

he knew better.

 

 

 

 

 

SECOND TESTIMONY:

 

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.

I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.

After browsing for several minutes,

I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.

He asked if he could help me.

Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with men's balls'

 

 

 

THIRD TESTIMONY:

 

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts.

As we were looking at the display case,

the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.

I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'

My sister started to laugh hysterically.

The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.

To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

 

 

 

 

 

FOURTH TESTIMONY :

 

While in line at the bank one afternoon,

my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok.

I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.

I told her that if she did not start behaving

'right now' she would be punished.

To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,

'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.

Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.

I mustered up the last of my dignity and

walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.

The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

 

 

 

FIFTH TESTIMONY:

 

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?

My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.

One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands.

It was very busy, with a full dining room.

While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked

my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.

Then realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said 'No'.

I kept thinking 'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.'

Then I said, 'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?'

'No,' he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.

Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an accident ?"

This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled

'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'

While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.

An old couple made me feel better,

thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

 

 

 

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:

 

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed

female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.

What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!

We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,

turned to the weatherman and asked: 'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

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Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and an American are all working together one day.

 

 

 

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

 

"I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total", says the Genie.

 

 

 

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada "

 

 

 

POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

 

 

 

Osama was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come in our precious land."

 

 

 

POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

 

The American says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."

 

 

 

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable."

 

 

 

The American sits down, cracks a beer, smiles, and says, "Fill it with water."

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  • 1 month later...

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married...

 

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'

I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'

 

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the

door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed three times.

 

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed

another nine times.

 

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted

solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when

totally smashed... three cuckoos plus nine cuckoos totals 12

cuckoos--MIDNIGHT!)

 

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him

'MIDNIGHT.'

 

He didn't seem pissed off in the least.

 

Whew, I got away with that one!

 

Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'

 

When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed

three times, then said, 'Oh, shit.' Cuckooed four more times, cleared

its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more,

and then tripped over the coffee table and farted. :-)

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